The Madness of Muggle Movies
by Ivory Tower
Summary: Journey with Harry, Ron, and Hermione as they brave the hilarious setbacks of movie making for their latest school project! Oh the humanity!


Title: The Madness of Muggle Movies  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.  
  
  
*Ron's face is in the camera* Is this on? Hermione, how can you tell if this thing's on or not?  
  
"Check the light."  
  
"What light-oh! Yeah, it's on."  
  
"Then let's get rolling."  
  
"Right." *picture is shaky, then Ron, Hermione, and Harry are standing in the Gryffindor Common Room, and smiling widely*  
  
"Hello, I'm Harry Potter."  
  
"I'm Hermione Granger."  
  
"And I'm not!"  
  
"Ron! This is serious."  
  
"Fine. Hi, I'm Ron Weasley. For our Mandatory Muggle Studies project we're making a movie."  
  
*Hermione steps forward* "That's right. An action packed adventure!"  
  
*Harry gestures with arms* "With a big surprise ending!"  
  
*Ron looks puzzled* "But if the ending's a big surprise, and we just told them the ending is a surprise, then how surprising is the surprise ending when it's not a big surpr-"  
  
"Moving on." *Hermione blocks out Ron and Harry so that her face fills the camera* "Our story opens on a bright and sunny day..."  
  
*Camera fades out, and it's suddenly pouring sheets of rain. Harry stands drenched in front of the lake and looks disgruntled. Ron's voice is overheard*  
  
"This isn't in the script."  
  
"I know it's not, Ron, but we're on a schedule. Harry, you're supposed to be brave and cheerful as you stroll by the lake."  
  
*Harry frowns* "I'm cold and I'm getting sick-I can feel it."  
  
"Harry, this is acting! Act like you're being brave and cheerful."  
  
*Hermione narrarates while Harry does a very half-hearted attempt of happily strolling by the lake*  
  
"Elrik the adventurer-"  
  
"Geez, this is lame."  
  
"Shut up, Ron! Elrick the adventurer, renowned for his charismatic bravery, was in the midst of enjoying the simple gifts of nature-"  
  
*Harry stops walking and frowns at the camera* "Nature can shove this gift where the sun doesn't shine."  
  
"Harry! Stay in character. Walk! NOW!"  
  
"I'm walking. I'm walking."  
  
"Elrik was enjoying the gifts bestowed upon him by mother nature when, completely unexpetedly, evil crosses his path."  
  
*Camera pans over to Colin Creevey with his camera. He waves* "Hi, Harry! Mind if I get a few on location pictures?"  
  
"Colin, you're not in the movie! Neville, get the dramatic music ready. Ron, go!"  
  
*Ron, dressed in a black hooded cloak way too big for him, stumbles toward Harry, tripping twice before finally reaching him*  
  
"Halt, wretched mortal-stop laughing, Hermione! I can't help that my voice keeps cracking."  
  
*Harry glares at Ron and Hermione while impatiently tapping his foot* "Guys, I'm freezing! Please stop torturing me like this!"  
  
"Well. Well. Well. What are you Gryffindorks doing?"  
  
"Move it, Malfoy!"  
  
*Camera focuses on Draco, holding an umbrella and regarding the scene with much amusement* "Is that Weasley under there?"  
  
"Cut!"  
  
*Static, then a dark winding staircase aligned with torches is seen*   
  
"Brave Elrik has been captured by the evil Cotton Mather-Cotton Mather was a real person, and highly religious! Who put this in here?"  
  
"I had to do five rolls of parchment on that righteous muggle bastard and I hate him! It's my character, and I can do what I like."  
  
"Fine! We-," Hermione lowers her voice, "We are sneaking into the dark depths of Cotton Mather's dungeon-that sounds so corny-anyway...let us see what the evil sorcerer intends to do with our unfortunate hero."  
  
*Ron is over at along table that is covered with vials and the like. His overly large black cloak is now accessorised by a rediculus, cheap looking horned helmet placed over the hood. The cloaked Ron occassionally bumps into the table as he crushes a nasty substance in an impressive bronze bowl*  
  
*I shall fix that cursed Elrik once and for all with this evil poison my evil mind has concocted. Ha! Ha!"  
  
"Oh my," gasps Hermione with way too much drama. "Whatever shall our beloved hero do?"  
  
*Justin Finch-Fletchley and Hannah Abbot, cloaked in grey robes and raggedy brown shawls, limp over to Ron and bow*  
  
"Everything is in readiness, master."  
  
"The prisoner is-ouch! My hair!" *Hannah untangles one of hier pigtails from her shawl*  
  
"Excellent! Soon I will be the most powerful warrior in this land! Ha! Ha! Stop clapping, you idiots!"  
  
"Wow, Ron! That's a brilliant rendition of Snape."  
  
"Yes, maybe you should call yourself the Evil Snape."  
  
"What an excellent idea, Miss Granger. Maybe you should tell me what you and your little friends are doing in my office."  
  
*Camera pans over to the forboding Potions Master scowling downward. Harry smiles weakly as he is thrust forward*  
  
"I found Mr. Potter rooming in one of the cells, which, I may add, is completely off limits to students. Weasley, what are you doing in my robes?"  
  
"Uh..." *Ron looks to Hermione for help, but she's too busy stumbling over her own explanation.  
  
"We're just...making a movie, Professor."  
  
"Yeah, and they still need someone to play the town drunk-"  
  
"Shut up, Colin!"  
  
*Snape looks amused until his black eyes notice his work table. The camera beautifully captures his wrath*  
  
"Is that my bronze bowl, Weasley? That is a five-hundred-year-old antique and it is filled with-," Snape stalks over and inspects the contents, "crushed bat intestines! One hundred points from Gryffindor! All of you are in serious trouble."   
  
"Cut," says Hermione feebly, and the camera fades out.  
  
*After half a minute of static the picture clears. Colin Creevey is seen huddled in a corner*  
  
"This is terrible," he whispers with relish. "The evil Cotton Mather's evil master has returned and imprisoned us all! Behold the evil Snape!"  
  
*With some difficulty, Colin maneuvers the camera over to Snape's desk. We see Snape scrawling furiously across a piece of parchment*  
  
"Isn't he scary," whisperes Colin. "The evil Snape is forcing us to do his dirty work. Brave Elrik looks very glum as he and the once evil Cotton Mather scrub the desks side by side. Let's have a closer look."  
  
"Why did you have to use that bowl, Ron?"  
  
"Hey, it looked cool. Why didn't you warn us Snape was coming?"  
  
"I don't know! None of this was my idea anyway!"  
  
"Oh fine! Cast all the blame on me." *Hermione briskly enters the scene with an assortment of scrubbing brushes. "I had to clean bat guts out of Snape's bronze bowl. My arms are killing me, and my movie is ruined!"  
  
"Your movie got us all on Snape's bad list for-"  
  
"Silence over there! Obviously the three of you are not working hard enough if you are still able to converse."  
  
*Colin's enthusiastic face is temporarily out of focus* "Will the evil Snape's cruelty never end? Are we to forever languish in the bowles of-"  
  
"Creevey, what are you doing?" *Snape slowly approaches the camera, eyes glilttering unpleasantly*  
  
"Oh no! I'm done for! Professor, walk slower-it's much more menacing. That's it! Great effect, Professor. The suspense will really-"  
  
"Give me that blasted contraption!"  
  
*Camera shakes violently, then goes to static. Abruptly, various angles of the dungeon are seen. Colin's voice is heard*  
  
"That button zooms in, and the one below it-"  
  
"Be quiet, Mr. Creevey. I can figure this out by myself. Now then, proceed with asssisting Miss Abbot with dusting those shelves, Mr Creevey."  
  
"Professor... we haven't eaten anything since eight this morning."  
  
"Stay in character, Miss Abbot. You are my servent, and are fortunate to be dusting shelves instead of rearranging my office. Miss Granger, narrarate what is taking place here."  
  
*Camera pans over to an unhappy Hermione, who now looks fairly baffled*  
  
"Sir, what-"  
  
"Narrarate! Now!"  
  
*Hermione clears her throat* "Well, as you can see-"  
  
"Enthusiasm, if you please, Miss Granger. We wouldn't want your movie to be dull, now would we?"  
  
"Harry and-"  
  
"Harry? Who's Harry? I certainly do not see a 'Harry' anywhere."  
  
*Harry and Ron exchange looks that state Snape has finally cracked*  
  
"Brave Elrik hs been forced into slave labor by none other than the terrible, cold, callous-"  
  
"Watch yourself, Miss Granger."  
  
*Hermione sighs and tries again* "The infamous, sinister, and most powerful wizard in all the land. The man that even the dastardly Cotton Mather himself calls master-"  
  
"Yeah, right."  
  
"Fifteen points from Gryffindor, Weasley."  
  
"The evil Snape-"  
  
"Five additional points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger."  
  
"The deviously cunning, and mastermind of all that is great and terrible, Snape."  
  
"Very good. Now then, let us focus on the punishment my incompetent servent and his foolish captive have brought upon themselves."  
  
*Here follows a very long segment of Harry and Ron scrubbing the tables. Snape's quiet laughter is heard in the background. Overall, it's a very eerie, though prolonged, scene*  
  
"What time is it?"  
  
"I did not give you permission to speak, Mr. Finch-Fletchley. Come here and film the next scene for Miss Granger's movie."  
  
*Snape is seen herding Harry, Hermione, and Ron in front of the table. He then faces the camera with his usual Snapish scowl*  
  
"We hope you have enjoyed this little production. And now, we are going to end this movie with a big explosion, courtesy of Neville Longbottom during tomorrow's lesson."  
  
*The next scene contains a mini-explosion that is hardly out of the ordinary any given day in Potions. Snape stalks over the trembling Neville and glares*  
  
"Fifty points from Gryffindor for not having a larger explosion, Longbottom!"  
  
*In the background, Hermione is seen lowering her face into her hands. Harry gives Snape the evil eye, and Ron throws up his hands in utter frustration*  
  
"Mr. Creevey, you may stop filming and return to your class now."  
  
"But Professor, what about-"  
  
"Turn that thing off!"  
  
"It doesn't say what happened to everyone. There's no conclu-"  
  
*Snape's frowning face leans toward the camera. Static ensues.*  
  
~FIN~ 


End file.
